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Parenting After Trauma with Robyn Gobbel

Robyn Gobbel

11 episodes

Dec 29, 2020

Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation 

Self-regulation is a crucial developmental milestone and I’m thrilled that we are turning our eyes toward self-regulation instead of staying focused on behavior modification through rewards and consequences.  At the same time, we must remember that self-regulation is developed through repeated and regular experiences of co-regulation with an attuned, regulated, present caregiver.  If children are struggling to use their self-regulation skills, it’s quite possible that they aren’t regulated enough to access those skills.  They are getting dysregulated too quickly and need co-regulation before they can be expected to use skills on their own.  It is these experiences of coregulation that build the neural circuity for what is ultimately labeled self-regulation...so you don’t need to worry that the continued offering of co-regulation will impede the development of self-regulation- it’s exactly the opposite!!!

Humans never outgrow their need for co-regulation!  We all need connection and co-regulation!  Which is exactly why I've created The Club- a new virtual community for parents of kids impacted by trauma!

The Club opens on December 31, 2020 and remains open until January 8, 2021.  At that time, it will close for new members for approximately three months so the founding members have time to co-create a solid community culture.  Head over to www.RobynGobbel.com/TheClub to read all the details, join the waiting list, or sign up (between Dec. 31 & Jan. 8, 2021!).

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If you are new to the science of connection and regulation, you'll want to grab my free masterclass on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety at www.RobynGobbel.com/masterclass  

Dec 4, 2020

Tracking Arousal- Not Behavior 

The key to true, long-lasting behavior change is actually to stop focusing on behaviors.  Stop trying to change them.  Stop the charts.  Stop the behavior modification.  Stop the rewards. Stop the punishments.

Read that again.  How does that feel?  Like a relief?  Like terror??

Both?

Staying focused on behaviors, rewards, consequences, charts, stickers….it’s all just so exhausting.  It’s exhausting because it doesn’t really work and because it’s pulling us out of integrity with what’s true.  I think all of us have a place inside of us- maybe realllllly buried under a culture of behaviorism- that knows we are really missing the mark when we focus on behaviors.

But, if we stop focusing on behaviors- what do we do instead???  Behavioral techniques offer a bit of safety to the enforcer.  They are such clear guidelines, and we like that!!

If we shift our focus on tracking the energy and arousal that underlies the behaviors, we still get to have the safety and structure that a more behavioral approach offered, while also the relief of finally focusing on the real problem.

This episode introduces the concept of tracking arousal instead of behavior.

Read the original blog article and download the arousal tracking PDFs:
https://robyngobbel.com/focus-on-arousal-not-behaviors-part-1/

Watch the original Facebook Live: https://robyngobbel.com/course/facebooklives/

New to parenting through the lens of the relational neurosciences?  Watch my free, 45-minute introductory video series! https://robyngobbel.com/course/regulationconnectionfeltsafety/

Dec 4, 2020

Boundaries with Connection 

Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries.

But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments.

Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful.

It’s a little like toddler proofing. Toddlers aren’t untrustworthy, misbehaving, or sneaky because they explored the stairs and then fell down. Toddlers are just doing their toddler thing with their toddler brain. It’s our job as the adults to provide the boundaries and co-regulation they need to support their developmental task (exploration) without getting hurt!

So we provide lots of supervision and baby-gates. And we support their safe exploration of the stairs- holding their hands as they go up and down, or sitting one step below them while they play.

If we remember a few important tenets of brain-based parenting:

  • Connection is a biological imperative
  • Behavior is an externalization of inner experience
  • Regulated, Connected, Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

Then we can feel confident that when our kids are struggling (lying, stealing, manipulation, opposition, etc.) that they need more support.

Read my blog article about Boundaries with Connection here:
Boundaries with Connection

Watch the original Facebook Live video on Boundaries with Connection: Facebook LIVES 

If you are new to the the relational neurosciences or this approach to parenting, you'll want to watch my FREE 45-minute video series on Regulation, Connection, and Felt Safety.  You can watch that on my website: Regulation, Connection, & Felt-Safety Video Series


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