
Parenting After Trauma with Robyn Gobbel
12 episodes
Imperfect Parenting is Perfect 
What if I told you the science is very clear- that our kids do not need perfect parents. Not only that, but perfect parenting would be bad for them!
It might seem great in theory if we could always meet our kids needs. It might sound great in theory if someone else could always meet our needs! But when a relationship has a rupture- the next thing that can happen is the repair.
Repair is like drizzled honey. Repair is like nestling into the most magically comfortable bed ever created. Repair is where it's at.
In this episode, we get really clear about why you can rest into self-compassion after you've had a 'not my finest parenting moment' with your child. (And for some tips on self-compassion, check out episode 8). Self-compassion is necessary in order to take the first steps toward repair and there is so much power in repair!!
If you love this episode, you can check out the blog article! https://robyngobbel.com/imperfectparenting/
You'll love all the free resources available at www.RobynGobbel.com/freeresources, created especially for parents of children impacted by trauma.
For a comprehensive, indepth course on Parenting after Trauma, you'll love: Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain
Changing How We See People Changes People 
You've heard me say "Changing How We See People Changes People." Let's talk about how I know this is true. It helps us understand why understanding the theory is a 'technique' and why staying regulated 'is a technique' that creates real, true change.
We come to know who we are through the eyes of the other. Let's teach our children they are precious and full of infinite worth. Even when their behaviors are difficult.
In the episode, I reference episode 2- No Behavior is Maladaptive- as well as a blog article by the same name. You can read that blog article here: https://robyngobbel.com/maladaptive
The free video series and e-book on Trauma, Memory, and Behavior is here: https://robyngobbel.com/videoseries
You can watch the free masterclass on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety here: https://robyngobbel.com/masterclass
Parenting After Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain is a comprehensive course that will open for registration in late winter 2021 https://robyngobbel.com/parentcourse
The Club is a community of parents with kids who have experienced trauma and will open for registration again in the spring of 2021! https://robyngobbel.com/theclub/
Not Flipping Your Lid...When Your Kid Flips Theirs 
How do we not flip our lids when our kids are going bananas? It's HARD. Because dysregulation is quite literally contagious!! And if we flip our lids too then it's usually pretty hard to deescalate the situation. Offering connection, regulation, and felt-safety to our kids is a lot easier if we don't flip our lids! (Although for sure- perfection in parenting is never ever ever required and sometimes, I flip my lid, too!)
In this episode, we will look at steps you can take- IN THE MOMENT- of a stressful parenting experience (assuming no one is in literal danger!) that will help you stay regulated (not calm!) so you can tackle the real problem. The real problem is probably your child's regulation, connection, and/or felt-safety!
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You can read a blog article that has all the steps written out here (sometimes it's easier to remember things in writing!): www.RobynGobbel.com/notflippingyourlid
If you are new to this model of brain-based parenting, you can watch my free 45 minute masterclass on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety here: www.RobynGobbel.com/masterclass
Come join a community of parents committed to connection and co-regulation- not just with their kids but with each other!!! We need connection and co-regulation to parent the way we want to- just like our kids need connection and co-regulation. www.RobynGobbel.com/theclub
Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation 
Self-regulation is a crucial developmental milestone and I’m thrilled that we are turning our eyes toward self-regulation instead of staying focused on behavior modification through rewards and consequences. At the same time, we must remember that self-regulation is developed through repeated and regular experiences of co-regulation with an attuned, regulated, present caregiver. If children are struggling to use their self-regulation skills, it’s quite possible that they aren’t regulated enough to access those skills. They are getting dysregulated too quickly and need co-regulation before they can be expected to use skills on their own. It is these experiences of coregulation that build the neural circuity for what is ultimately labeled self-regulation...so you don’t need to worry that the continued offering of co-regulation will impede the development of self-regulation- it’s exactly the opposite!!!
Humans never outgrow their need for co-regulation! We all need connection and co-regulation! Which is exactly why I've created The Club- a new virtual community for parents of kids impacted by trauma!
The Club opens on December 31, 2020 and remains open until January 8, 2021. At that time, it will close for new members for approximately three months so the founding members have time to co-create a solid community culture. Head over to www.RobynGobbel.com/TheClub to read all the details, join the waiting list, or sign up (between Dec. 31 & Jan. 8, 2021!).
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If you are new to the science of connection and regulation, you'll want to grab my free masterclass on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety at www.RobynGobbel.com/masterclass
Self-Compassion Keeps You Regulated 
I love love love talking about self-compassion for two main reasons. #1- Self-Compassion is solidly anchored in the relational neurosciences- and you know how much I love...and need...for things to be anchored in science. #2- Self-compassion has tenacity. There's no way out. Self-compassion has an answer for all your reasons why you aren't worthy of self-compassion. I love that about self-compassion (probably because people describe me as tenacious- especially, relationally).
In this episode, we will explore the science of self-compassion. We'll look at why compassion is the neurobiology of change. Why you deserve compassion. Why compassion is how the brain heals and changes. Compassion can feel risky- and I'll give you the science that might help you feel safe enough to take the vulnerable step toward self-compassion.
To read more about self-compassion, visit robyngobbel.com/selfcompassion
To learn about The Club- a a virtual community of parents of kids who have experienced trauma will offer connection, co-regulation, and compassion to each other, visit robyngobbel.com/theclub
And to begin your journey into brain-based parenting through the lens of regulation, connection, and felt-safety with my free masterclass, head over to robyngobbel.com/masterclass
Connection or Protection? The Science of Opposition 
The brain has two modes- connection or protection.
Protective behaviors include opposition, defiance, aggression- basically, any behavior that doesn't invite connection.
If we want to help shift our children's oppositional behaviors, we must first help their brain shift out of protection and into protection!
You can read more on my blog!
robyngobbel.com/connectionorprotection/
An article about felt-safety: robyngobbel.com/feltsafety
An article about oppositional behavior: robyngobbel.com/oppositiondefiancecontrol
Free masterclass on the three reasons children demonstrate behaviors of protection: www.RobynGobbel.com/masterclass
What's Regulation Got To Do With It? 
In a word...EVERYTHING.
I talk about regulation constantly. So let's take a moment (or 25 minutes) and really define what that even is.
This episode defines regulation and then defines why it even matters.
When we can see how regulation is underneath behavior challenges, we can prioritize supporting regulation and not just stopping a behavior. This leads to long-term change, not just a short term band-aid solution.
Seeing our children's behavior challenges as regulation challenges means we see them for who they really are. It allows us to stay more regulated and to see them as a child struggling with regulation- not a bad child.
Because changing how we see people changes people!!
To go further into the discussion on Regulation, head over to my free resources and watch the free, 45 minute video series on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety.
Saying the Unsayable with Special Guest Anne Heffron 
OOOOH...y'all are in for such a treat because Anne is just that. A treat. Anne is an author, writing coach, and adoptee. Her memoir, "You Don't Look Adopted" is pure gold. It's heart-wrenching and funny and raw and life-changing. You should read it.
But first listen to our little conversation today about the importance of figuring out how to say the unsayable. The thing is...whatever is unsayable is always THERE. We just need to find a way to say it. And you know what...you don't even have to say it with words.
Anne and I are starting a six-week course to help you find your voice and say the unsayable. It starts Thursday December 10 and you might be finding this episode WAY after that! That's OK- maybe we'll do it again!
You can read all the details about our course The Story Under the Story at robyngobbel.com/thestory
You can find more Anne at www.AnneHeffron.com
You can find more Anne AND Robyn at robyngobbel.com/dearadoptiveparents (free, hour-long webinar where Anne talks about how her parents could have shown up for her the way she needed)
And of course even more free resources at RobynGobbel.com/freeresources
Tracking Arousal- Not Behavior 
The key to true, long-lasting behavior change is actually to stop focusing on behaviors. Stop trying to change them. Stop the charts. Stop the behavior modification. Stop the rewards. Stop the punishments.
Read that again. How does that feel? Like a relief? Like terror??
Both?
Staying focused on behaviors, rewards, consequences, charts, stickers….it’s all just so exhausting. It’s exhausting because it doesn’t really work and because it’s pulling us out of integrity with what’s true. I think all of us have a place inside of us- maybe realllllly buried under a culture of behaviorism- that knows we are really missing the mark when we focus on behaviors.
But, if we stop focusing on behaviors- what do we do instead??? Behavioral techniques offer a bit of safety to the enforcer. They are such clear guidelines, and we like that!!
If we shift our focus on tracking the energy and arousal that underlies the behaviors, we still get to have the safety and structure that a more behavioral approach offered, while also the relief of finally focusing on the real problem.
This episode introduces the concept of tracking arousal instead of behavior.
Read the original blog article and download the arousal tracking PDFs: https://robyngobbel.com/focus-on-arousal-not-behaviors-part-1/
Watch the original Facebook Live: https://robyngobbel.com/course/facebooklives/
New to parenting through the lens of the relational neurosciences? Watch my free, 45-minute introductory video series! https://robyngobbel.com/course/regulationconnectionfeltsafety/
No Behavior is Maladaptive 
There is no such thing as maladaptive.
No. Behavior. Is. Maladaptive.
Sure, there are LOTS of behaviors that have pretty big negative consequences…for ourselves and others.
But the way the human mind is so brilliantly working all the time leaves me with an unwillingness to negotiate the truth that all behavior is adaptive.
This core, unwavering belief creates my personal and professional foundation. It's based on neuroscience- and I explain it in this episode!
Watch the original Facebook Live: Facebook LIVES
Read the original blog post: No Behavior is Maladaptive
If you are new to the relational neurosciences approach to parenting, you'll want to watch my FREE 45-minute introductory video: Regulation, Connection, & Felt-Safety Video Series - Robyn Gobbel